Does This Hook Make Me Look Fat?
by Random Guise
Summary: This one-shot takes place shortly before the movie "Hook". Captain Hook is looking for a change, but it might not be exactly what he originally intended. I don't own these characters, and I've never plundered another sailing vessel.


**A/N: Takes place shortly before the movie "Hook".**

* * *

Does This Hook Make Me Look Fat?

A land is defined by many things, but perhaps the single most defining feature is its best-known citizen. Some lands have monarchies; others have elected officials that provide a single person that is known across the land. There are even some places that rely on a sports or entertainment celebrity to provide the "face" of the land, a de facto ambassador to strangers.

Neverland was no different, even as a land that mostly never changed. Most people knew about the now gone Peter Pan, the Lost Boys, the fairies, the mermaids, the Piccaninny tribe and various other smaller groups; but _everyone_ knew about the pirates of Neverland, and of all the pirates none was known better than Captain James Hook. Even if an inhabitant on a remote part of the island didn't know his first mate Mr. Smee or even the name of his ship the _Jolly Roger_ , the name Hook would cause a sharp draw of breath and a quickly uttered "Where?" while glancing about.

In the port town that was the pirate's center of activity, most of those that worked and dwelt there revered (or at least feared) Hook. The key word here is 'most', for there was a particular shop that sold chests and trunks. And the woman who ran the shop, an expert in chests of all types, also just happened to loathe Hook for reasons that she refused to elaborate on; old residents hinted at the fate of a long dead husband named John at the hands of a young sailor's mate named Hook. They say he died with a harmonica wedged down his throat; his last words had come out simply as several chords.

Agnes Popper kept her opinion of Hook close to her chest, if you'll pardon the pun, and only a few knew of her disdain for the man. But a message was relayed by mouth to a trusted few, and one night Agnes received a visitor at her door.

"Come back in the morning when the shop is open" she told the stranger.

"I don't want to buy anything" the young visitor responded. "I need your help; I can't find my way home."

"Are you lost, boy?" she asked as she watched his face.

A smile crossed his face. "You might say that. Friends call me Rufio" he said in a lowered voice.

She knew the name, and stuck out her hand. "Agnes" she offered. "Come in out of the cold at least. No doubt you'll rob me blind" she said out loud just in case anyone was listening nearby. In the dim light of a hooded lantern, she sat with the visitor and spoke in hushed tones. "I have an idea, but I need some magic to make it work."

"I don't do magic, but I know some people who do" Rufio offered. "If it gets rid of Hook, they might be interested."

"I thought you might know someone. It won't get rid of Hook, at least not the way you're thinking..."

...

"Smee, I need a change." Captain James Hook stared out the window of his cabin upon the port that he called home.

"Right, captain. Did you want to replace the men one at a time or just give 'em all the heave ho and get it over with?" Smee asked. He was devoted to his captain and was occasionally repaid for his loyalty. Much like a dog that returns to the master that kicks him, he stuck around because it was the only life he knew and far better than the one he left behind when he became a pirate.

"That's not what I meant, Smee. I need...something different. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I want to mark the occasion."

"Anniversary, right. Of course. Anniversary of what, sir?" the first mate asked, scratching his head.

"Tomorrow will be exactly one day after I can't think of a reason to keep up this" Hook said as he swept his left hooked-hand across the cabin "drab existence."

Not even bothering to do the math, Smee looked at the gilded harpsichord, the gold cups, the chandeliers, the lit fireplace and the scale model of Neverland. Perhaps the captain was using the word in a different way. "Drab, sir?"

"Yes, Smee. Drab. Boring. Humdrum. Too...normal. You know, before I came here life was an adventure as I used my wits to go up against both William of Orange _and_ the Sun King. Playing both sides against the middle, eh Smee? Those were challenging times, I tell you! Then, when I got here there was the new challenge of organizing the scum of Neverland into the efficient rabble of a group they are now. But the problem isn't them, it's me; now I have established a reputation. Other ships avoid me, the Lost Boys fight like it's some game, and every day is "Good morning, Neverland" and inspect the crew and insult them before I shoot somebody and make my appearances ashore. The crew doesn't even cringe when I belittle them now. How many days, how many years and nothing changes except I get older inside. How many decades since I killed that crocodile and turned him into a town clock after we saw the last of Peter Pan? I'm a rusty sword Smee, a dagger that's lost its edge."

"Tell you what sir, let's see what tomorrow brings and if it doesn't cheer you up then you can try to kill yourself again. I'll even remind you if you forget."

"You're just trying to cheer me up Smee, but I appreciate it in some small way. Maybe tomorrow I'll shoot both of us."

"Just as long as it's you first, Captain."

...

Later that day Smee searched through the port, going from shop to shop looking for a special gift. No matter what he looked at, it just wasn't special enough for the captain or he already had one or a dozen just like it. He ducked his head into the chest shop, although the _Jolly Roger_ had just gotten a new boo box a week ago.

Agnes pounced when she had the chance because it might not come again for some time. "Smee! Shopping for the captain are we?"

"Aye Agnes, just looking around for something special for the captain. He's got an occasion tomorrow and I'm looking to surprise him."

"Then this is your lucky day! I've got something that I don't know what to do with; maybe you can find a use for it. Come into the back room." She led the pirate into the small back room and cleared a few covers off something on a bench. "I had a gypsy come in and sell this to me for a pittance because she couldn't get it open" she explained as she exposed a chest with a great many scrapes and dents. She had added them in a special technique she called 'aging' that made it look even older. "The chest isn't anything special, but there was something inside that caught my eye, you might say. Let me show you." She opened the top and reached in, pulling out a sack. Under the central lamp of the room she pulled an object out of the bag.

The object has a metal prosthesis; a hook. But where the Jolly Roger's captain had a single hook on his device, this had three different size hooks for various uses. As she held it up in the light it glimmered and threw off various color reflections. "The word is the man that wore this was invincible."

"Invisible? You couldn't see him?"

"No, _invincible_. It means he couldn't be beat."

"If he couldn't be beat, how did he lose it then?"

"He took it off for cleaning and fell overboard while he didn't have it on. They locked it into the chest and somehow after many years it got to me. I don't really know if the captain would be interested, it's not an ordinary thing you know...maybe you can get him a nice cup or something" Agnes said with a fake shrug, while eyeing the first mate.

"I'll take it" Smee grinned.

...

"Where did you get it?" Hook asked as he eyed the new appendage. Once again it glimmered with reflections of different colors as he held it in his good right hand.

"An...er...old gypsy woman I ran into. Said it was special, even _magical_. Just the thing for the man that has everything" Smee embellished.

"Magical I doubt. But it does look different from anything I've worn before. Tell you what, let's give it a try tomorrow, shall we" he suggested. "I can put off killing us a day."

"That's my captain!"

The next morning before presenting himself, Hook placed the metal device on his wrist and a spectrum of colored dust dissipated into the air of the cabin. "Oh" he uttered.

Meanwhile, outside Smee was warming up the crew.

"And I'd like to take this time to thank all the men who've survived...er...been with us these many months. The captain thanks you for your service, and will most likely kill you in the morning." The crew roared its approval.

"And the meeting next week about the retirement plan has been cancelled due to lack of lack of attainability." The men paused in their raucous behavior. "It means you won't live long enough to get it!" Smee explained. The men cheered; retirement was unlikely, but the profit sharing was great.

"Those of you concerned about the working conditions should talk to the union representative - Davy Jones!" More laughter ensued.

"So without further ado, I give to you the slithering shark, the manipulative manta-ray, the sturgeon surgeon...Captain James Hook!" The pause was much longer than normal and Smee started to wonder.

"HOOK...HOOK...HOOK...HOOK..." the crew chanted as the door of the cabin opened. "HOOK...HOok...hook...hoo?" the chant died as the captain stepped out wearing the new hook. However, the shock of the crew was from his now blond hair. The shock would only deepen.

"Good morning, my dear crew!" Hook shouted. The crowd halfheartedly responded in kind. "And how are we today?"

Stunned, the crew stared. One of the closer pirates answered "Fine. And you?" almost under his breath as he was caught off guard. The silence of the crew made the comment loud in contrast.

"Splendid! It's going to be a beautiful day today, men. I've been thinking, and it occurs to me that we need a few changes around here."

Several of the men entertained the idea that the captain was going to clean house by throwing everybody to the sharks.

"I'm sure you'll all come to embrace them as I have. I'm granting everyone the day off whilst I prepare for our new phase. Enjoy yourselves men, and just make sure you get back before sunset. Have a glorious day!" Hook waved and returned to his cabin. The men turned and stared at each other, then cheered and prepared to spend the day in port. Smee followed the captain inside and shut the door.

"Captain?"

"Yes Smee, what is it my good man? And before you say anything, let me tell you how I appreciate what a fine job you do for me and the crew."

"Uh, yes sir. Are you okay? Your mind isn't junk-tified or anything, is it?"

"Of course not Smee, I'm thinking more clearly than I have in ages. So clearly that I've got a few ideas I'd like to try out with the crew." He put his right hand on Smee's shoulder. "Can you help your old captain out?"

"Yes sir" he said hesitantly.

"Good form! I think the benefits will be unfathomable."

"Un what sir?"

"You know, it means really big or unknown. Like when you can't get a depth reading while sailing. Now here's what I have in mind..."

...

The next morning Smee stood at the top of the stairs looking down at the main deck filled with the crew. A scowl filled his face as though he had been forced to eat something disgusting, which wasn't far from the truth metaphorically speaking.

"All right men, listen up!" he started. The men, now a little wary of possible events listened intently. "Our captain will be trying a few new things aboard ship now. They're going to sound a bit different, but I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. Here to introduce the new Jolly Roger, I give you Captain James Hook!" The men clapped somewhat less than enthusiastically, and the cabin door opened as Hook stepped out. Besides the blond hair which was shorter now, he also sported a lightweight coat with little adornment, plain pants and some odd rugged shoes. There was another difference as well, but it took the men some time to figure it out; his mustache was gone too.

"Good morning crew!" he called out to the men below.

"Good morning" they murmured, not having a clue where this was going.

"Men, today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Let's put our best foot forward and get ready for some terrific action!"

That sounded more like it. The crew started to get excited again at the thought of possible raids or even a fight; this was obviously a new approach the captain had developed. A few even cheered, which the captain picked up on.

"Smee, see that man there with the dirty shirt that cheered? No, the other one. No, the other other one. No, next to him too. Oh, nevermind. Men, we're taking things in a new direction and I'm sure you'll all find it'll be much more profitable and rewarding."

More cheered. They were all for profit and reward.

"I see you're catching the spirit too!" the captain continued. "Now, here are some of the things we're going to do. First of all, clean uniforms for everyone."

Mixed reactions on that one, but clothes were clothes as long as you could move in them.

"Secondly, mandatory baths for everyone and I'm also bringing in a barber to tidy things up."

The grumbles grew louder. New clothes might be a bit stiff, but _bathing_? It was unheard of. And Neverland only had one barber that anyone knew, and he had the shakes so bad you only let him work on you after he'd downed a few.

"And we're changing your diet too. How does a fresh vegetable sound?" Hook offered.

"What's a vegetable?" someone asked.

...

The tavern was filled to capacity, but no one was drinking. Smee stood on the bar itself, addressing the crowd. "Men, the question is simple: What are we going to do about the _Jolly Roger_?"

"Don't you mean _The Blue's Traveler_?" someone corrected.

"I don't want to hear that name from anyone except the captain; the ship has always been the _Jolly Roger_ and it always will be as far as I'm concerned. And let me tell you, I'm concerned pretty far." Some laughed, but most didn't feel like it. The changing of the name of the ship was the least of their worries. Several of the men started voicing their objections.

"I can't even say the name, it sticks in my throat..."

"I don't mind the name, but I'll never get used to these vegetable things. Give me meat and grog anytime. And bread. And maybe some more grog..."

"You can't tell anyone apart with everyone wearing the same uniform..."

"Do we have to exercise?" One of the changes had been that the captain instituted morning calisthenics and installed a jogging track around the perimeter of the main deck in an effort to get the men into better physical shape.

"I don't like my curtains." A makeover of the ship included scraping and refinishing the top deck and revamping the quarters. What few windows the ship had now sported curtains that matched the designs on the new sails.

"And he took away walking the plank, too! Now if we get into trouble we get a time-out..."

"We can't even sing songs unless they're suitable for all age groups..."

"These are all minor things, so man up" Smee interrupted. "What concerns me is what we do now; we don't pirate, we trade. We don't plunder, we transport. We don't export, we explore. We even rescue ships in distress now. I tell you, is that a life?" The crew argued among themselves, not reaching a conclusion. No one was happy, but no one knew what to do about it. The idea of leaving the ship was unthinkable, but staying was more than many could stand.

"I won't hear anything against the captain" Smee continued "because it's his ship. But I think something has happened to him and I just don't know what." He held out his arms in a giant plea for help.

"I wish you could put a finger on it" one of the nearby men said. "Of course I wouldn't ask the captain to on the account of his...you know."

"Yes, we all know; he's only got five. Still..." Smee thought, then had a sudden change of expression. "Finger!" he shouted and the men stopped and stared at him. "Not his fingers men, but his hook; that's the key. When he changed his hook, _he_ changed. Get rid of the hook I say and we get the old captain back."

"Easy enough to say" a pirate said. "Like the mice that decided to put a bell on the cat."

"I think we can out think a cat," Smee said "we have enough heads here that we should be able to come up with a plan."

...

"Okay Smithee, have at it" Smee whispered to the ship's blacksmith. Alan took his cue and approached the captain.

"Captain, I challenge you to a wrist wrestling match" he offered boldly, playing on Hook's ego. The captain had accepted every challenge to wrist wrestle any member of the crew, wrist to wrist. He won most matches fairly, and those he was in danger of losing to were shot with his good hand before they could finish the match. Alan was the strongest man on the crew, and planned on grabbing the hook before the captain could react.

"No Alan, I wouldn't stand a chance against you; now that you've been exercising and eating right I don't have a prayer" the captain said as he clapped the man on the back. "Maybe you should stage a tournament or something for some worthy competition."

...

"I know you can do it, Big John" Smee prodded the ship's largest man. John Dean had the well-deserved reputation as the ship's biggest drinker; although he didn't drink a quart of rum for breakfast like legends said, his capacity was unsurpassed. If he could get the captain drunk, removing the hook would be easy. As he ambled over to the captain, the deck almost creaked.

"Captain?" he asked in his deep baritone.

"Yes? Oh it's you Big John, I didn't hear you coming. You've lost some weight and you're a lot lighter on your feet" complimented Hook.

John sagged a little on the inside, but plowed ahead. "Captain, the men want me to challenge you to a drinking contest. May the best man win" he said with a smirk.

"Capital suggestion, good team building and all that. But don't you know too much alcohol isn't good for you? We'll have that contest, but let's make it carrot juice. Maybe throw in a raw egg to make it more interesting and get that protein, eh?" Hook enthused.

John turned green at the thought of the drink, and with a quick "Excuse me" ran to the railing where he became violently ill and chummed the water below.

...

Hook woke with a start as a shape moved in the dark. Lighting his lamp, the room was lit to reveal ship's cook Tom Tripe, the crew's most skilled thief, standing by the captain's bed in a failed attempt to remove his hook while he slept.

"Is that you Tom?"

"Aye, captain" he said dejectedly.

"Tom, what is it? I know, you've come to steal something to help make ends meet. Here, take this" he said as he handed Tom some jewelry that was sitting on the nightstand. "I understand, desperate times drive good men to do bad things. Rest easy, tomorrow we'll have a crew meeting and I'll see about raising your wages to a more competitive level. Go to bed and sleep well Tom, you're a valued member of our team." Tom slunk away and Hook turned down the lamp to go back to sleep.

...

Smee was in a foul mood while standing on the deck with his captain. The ship was watching the _Zephyr_ sail away toward Florin as Hook and the crew waved goodbye. Hook did so enthusiastically, while the men did so only because they were told.

"Isn't it grand, Smee? Such wonderful people and the excitement of sailing back home. I do hope they have a happy voyage" Hook gushed.

Smee looked and got an idea. "Captain, should we fire our cannon as a friendly gesture? We'll make sure not to aim it at them, of course."

"Jolly good, Smee. Brotherhood of the sea and all that, I like it. Do be careful and aim it away."

"You can be sure of that, captain" Smee said as he motioned for some of the crew to turn the cannon and quickly loading it. He aimed it just right and commanded "Fire!" as the powder hole was touched. The cannon did its job precisely as aimed; it took off Hook's new appendage as he waved. The metal stub of the magical hook now sparked and fizzled out. Hook, after a moment of shock, stared at where his new hook used to be and frowned. Then He looked out and saw the Zephyr speeding away. He turned and espied his crew on deck in their clean uniforms, the new sails, and the top deck without any sign of blood or any work having been done.

He turned lastly to Smee. "I don't know what's going on here, but if we don't catch and plunder that ship getting away every man will spend the rest of his very short life feeding the sharks. Do I make myself clear?" he ended with a snarl.

"Right, captain sir!" Smee answered as he started ordering the men to set the ship in pursuit. "And it's good to have you back, too" he said under his breath as he smiled.

The End

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 **A/N: In a timeless land like Neverland, there must have been a big gap between Peter's departure and his return all grown up in Hook. Something must have happened during that time, even if eventually Hook thought there was no more adventure in life so I came up with this. Of course at some point he got the idea into his head (and the ability) to return to the real world and kidnap Peter's kids, but that would be another story entirely. His origin is never mentioned in the movie but he must have come from somewhere.**


End file.
